Her addictions were power, money, and meth. But they were also her weakness. She felt that she was being followed by special detectives, she felt that every person in a car was a person who was either undercover or in a gang. The fact that she collected money from a gang labeled “Asian boys” to take me to Tijuana as a sex slave didn’t help her paranoia. Now she really had people after her, and I had people after me. At that point in time my future read ‘dead’ or ‘sex slave’. We stayed in this Asian man’s house. He rents off little studio apartments through his website that is written only in Asian. Good thing Dee was around to translate and get us a place. The place was only scary because I was there with Claudia. It was behind this slap house and you have to go down this tiny alley and through a gate to get in. When you walk in there is a bathroom to your right, a queen size bed to your left, a small closet with sliding doors straight out and to the left, then to the right of that was a small TV above a mini fridge and table. In the right corner of the room there was another door, to the rest of the house, but it was locked and taped shut with clear duct tape. The room was creepy and cold and I did not want to be stuck in it with Claudia. But here I was. She told me it was time to shower. You know, before Dee got there. She opened the bathroom door and showed me my way in. I tried closing the door but she told me I wasn’t allowed to..for my safety. She told me I had to shower with the door open. I do not like my body, let alone do I like other people seeing and judging my body. I told her I did not want to shower and she began to take my clothes off for me. My body was no longer MY body. It was hers. She took that from me. She took me from me. I’m gone.
I remember when she first started forcing a relationship between her and I; As I remember more and more every night I’m sitting in bed trapped in my own thoughts. She told me it was for my safety. She wanted to introduce me to a world I never even knew existed. She wanted to introduce me to these groups of people that I would NEVER be accepted into. Being her ‘girlfriend’ wasn’t for my safety. It was her way of holding me in a constant state of fear, and depression. There were times I didn’t want to cooperate. This led to me being drugged so I would be more compliant. It started with Xanax. On the bright side, Claudia was a meth addict so she could have forced me to do that… at the beginning. The first time was when we were on her way to her sisters house. Fiona. I hate that bitch. I told her I would not go in. I would stay in the car and if my door was opened I would run. She then proceeded to fight me for ten minutes in the car to get one pill in my mouth. I had never taken a Xanax before this moment. I had no idea what to expect. I felt the pill go down my throat without water. It felt like it was going to be stuck in my throat forever. To be honest I wished I would have choked on it. But instead she drives to get cigarettes to buy some time and the Xanax kicks in. Most of what happened after that moment was a slight blur. Like a glitchy video. Just random scenes with botched words. I remember waking up in the storage room full of barbies still in boxes. I was sleeping on a towel with a t-shirt thrown over me as a blanket. How thoughtful. My phone was next to me which I thought was my way out, but when I picked it up it read that my sim card was removed. No way out for me. Then I blacked out again. Another Glitchy scene. Im being carried into the back of a moving truck? Another black out. I wake up again to see Fiona walking up to an ATM with my Michael Kors purse and my wallet. Black out. Shes back in the car with 1200 dollars. The money from my bank account. Black out. I woke up again in a booth styled chair next to Claudia who is slapping her half of the 1200 away. I tried leaving and she grabs on to me and wont let me go. We started to cause a scene so she walked me out to the car. Black out. I wake up in a motel 8 room hot boxed with cigarettes and meth. I see two people ive never seen before exchanging ‘profiles’ which are passports, socials, Id’s etc. and Claudia sitting on the opposite bed hitting her meth pipe. While I went into the restroom the two strangers finished up their business and left. It was just me and Claudia. I came out of the bathroom and shes waiting for me by the door. “Are you ready to show me how good of a girlfriend you can be.” She set the bottle of Xanax on the nightstand hinting on what will happen if I do nothing. I didn’t care. I walked straight for the door. As if it were that easy. She stopped me by grabbing the back of my shirt collar and pulled me to where her lips could touch my ear. She whispered to me to sit on the bed. I looked at her and sat down as she pulled out her tool box. Opening it up, she begins pulling out knives, rope, crowbar, flashlights, and my tazer she took. The moment I will never forget is when I tried running for the door one last time and she pinned me to the wall with a crowbar and asked me if I scream. I could feel tears building up and my eyes starting to water. This is hell. She lifted the crowbar off my neck and gave me a nice blow across my back with it. I swear I couldn’t breathe for a solid ten minutes. She picked me up off the floor and drug me to the bed where she popped another pill in my mouth. Black out. I woke up naked with makeup smeared down my face and wet hair. I still to this day don’t know what happened to me that night.
Claudia brought me by my mom and I’s place for a while at the beginning of her torturing. Even though she timed it and made me record convos the whole time I was up, it was good to see my mom. The whole time I was scared to tell her. I hinted it to her when showing her the massive bruising across my thighs. But she thought it might’ve been my anxiety. Unfortunately, while I was upstairs speaking to my mom, Claudia was downstairs stripping my old camry (that my mom was paying for) of its parts. She sold each part individually to people all around town. Tires, speakers, knobs, seats, lights, etc. This put my mom in a debt that she is still paying off now. This also puts a strain on my mom and I’s relationship. Because she thinks I’m responsible.
I don’t think anyone understands how rough it is recovering from an incident like this. I may act fine. I may talk about it and smile. But every time I close my eyes I’m beaten, abandoned, raped, and robbed. Everytime I close my eyes or have a minute to get stuck in my own head I re-live it. I feel the pressure on my skin. I can feel her breath on my neck. I can taste my tears falling into my mouth. It’s like even though I have escaped her, I have yet to escape myself. All of these things cause problems today with my relationships. I have anxiety, I have this major fear and sense of abonnement and abuse. I’m alone. No matter what anyone says. In this lifetime right now, I am alone. I have nobody on my side. Nobody who knows exactly what happened. Because if they did I wouldn’t be typing this with tears running down my face alone. I went through the abuse alone, and now I have to live with it alone. How is that fair? How is it fair that something can be over but still kill me every single day. Honestly the whole thing just makes me want to die. Who wants to live their life in fear? I can not and will not relive this every single day on my own. I do not have the strength to do that. I’m so broken. I cant be close to anyone let alone myself. What do I do? How can I escape?